I have created a monster. A really lazy monster. See…I’m a total control freak and I always need things to be done my way. People rarely do things my way, which leads me to do a lot of things myself. Apparently J thinks this means he doesn’t have to do anything and that I’ll just take care of everything. Not true. So today’s open letter goes out to my dear, sweet boyfriend…
I know that I’m awesome and that I’m always on top of everything and that I always have all the answers and I’m always right. I know that you have gotten used to all of that and to me just taking care of everything and you are now spoiled and lazy. I know that you being spoiled and lazy is my fault. But seriously? It’s like you’ve forgotten how to use your brain. So I’d like to go over a few things with you.
- If the dogs poops on her blanket, the appropriate action is to take it to the laundry room, pre-treat the soiled area and put the blanket in the washing machine. (Bonus points if you actually turn the washer on.) The incorrect thing to do is to throw the blanket down the basement stairs and then not warn me it’s there, so that when I walk down the stairs in the dark I trip over it and almost kill myself.
- When you get home from work before me and you take the dogs out to pee…you have to make sure they actually pee. “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer when I ask you if they peed. I understand that sometimes they take their sweet time and it can be boring standing there waiting for them to sniff every square inch of the lawn. But you are a big boy…you can stand there for ten minutes and watch them instead of screwing around in the garage and paying no attention to the dogs.
- When Sofie wakes up at 5AM and starts crying and licking your face, get off your ass and take her out. Do not say “Go give mommy kisses”. That is the wrong answer. Using excuses like “I didn’t know what she wanted” and “The girls are shy and they don’t like to pee in front of me” is also unacceptable. If the dog is crying and bouncing around the bed at 5AM, it’s because she has to pee. And they are dogs…they don’t understand that they are girls and you are a boy…they are not shy…you are lazy. I know it’s early and it’s annoying to have to get up at that hour, but it won’t kill you to do it once in a while. I know this because I do it every single day and I’m still alive.
- If I ask you what you want for dinner please do not say “I don’t care”. If you really didn’t care that answer would be fine. But you do care. You care a lot. So what usually happens is you say you don’t care, I order something and then you complain that you don’t like it and you wanted something else. If you have an opinion, voice it. Otherwise, you lose your right to bitch.
- And yes…we are eating takeout again…because I worked all day too…and I left the house before you did and I got home later than you did and I’m tired and I don’t feel like cooking. So unless you are going to cook, we are eating takeout. Get over it. Also, a sandwich is perfectly acceptable as an entrée. So is macaroni and cheese. If you want gourmet home cooking every night, I’m happy to provide it…after I quit my job and become a lady of leisure.
- I am very well aware that there is a mountain of dirty laundry in the bed room. You asking me if I’m going to “get on that any time soon” is not going to get it done any faster. It’s your laundry…if you want it done now…do it yourself. Otherwise, I’ll get to it when I get to it.
- Lastly, there is something in the kitchen called a “dishwasher”. It’s the square white cabinet-looking thing to the left of the sink. It’s pretty cool actually…you open the door of this dishwasher and you put your dirty dishes inside of it. Then…when it’s full…you press some buttons and viola…clean dishes. Please familiarize yourself with this appliance and put all future dirty dishes in there…instead of leaving them in the sink…or on the counter. (BTW…what is that about? Why the dirty dishes on the counter? I don’t get it.)
I appreciate you studying these rules and implementing them right away. It will make our already happy home a much happier place with far less yelling, bitching and eye-rolling coming from my general direction.
Love you sweetie!!!