A glimpse into the madness…

You all seemed to love my last glimpse into what life in my house sounded like, so I thought I’d give you some more. 

The other night we were watching Criminal Minds…a show about serial killers.  There were three girls locked in a room, being starved by a killer…

Me: Can’t they drink their urine?
J: What?
Me: You know…because he’s not giving them food or water.
J: …shakes his head…
Me: What?  Isn’t that what happens when people get lost at sea?  They drink their urine?
J: You aren’t allowed to speak for the rest of the night.
Me: Why?  Is that not a valid suggestion?  Tell me why it’s not a valid suggestion?
J: You are an idiot sometimes.
Me: But why is that not a valid suggestion?  I mean, it will keep them from dehydrating.
J: Hush.

J comes into the bedroom  holding a box…

Me: What’s that?
J: It’s something that is none of your business.
Me: Is it a toy that I can play with?
J: It’s a box of none of your business.
Me: Funny…because it looks like a clock.
J: That’s right…it’s a clock…to tell me when it’s time for you to stop being so nosy.
Me: Why did you get a clock?
J: I just told you.
Me: No I mean, did someone give you a clock?  Was it a gift?
J: What’s wrong?  Jealous that I got a shitty clock and you didn’t?
Me: Yup, so jealous.
J: No one ever gave you a clock.
Me: You bought me a watch.
J: Not the same. (J walks over to the dresser with the shitty clock.)
Me: What the hell are you doing with that shitty clock?  You aren’t going to put that shitty clock in here are you.
J: Yes, so you know when it’s time for you to stop being so nosy.

At lunch after my aunt’s funeral…we were talking to my brother and sister-in-law about names…

J: Didn’t people used to name their kids after the apostles?
Me: Here we go again with the apostles…
Brother: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that J’s got a thing about the apostles.
J: What were the names of the apostles.
Me: Really, you can’t just let it go?
J: (ignoring me) Matthew, Mark…
Me:  John, Paul, George, Ringo…
Brother and SIL: (snickering)
J: No seriously…Matthew, Mark, Luke…
Me: No seriously yourself…every time we go to a funeral or other church related event it’s always “What were the names of the apostles?” and you never remember and you drive everyone nuts.
J: You don’t remember either.
Me: True, but I don’t bring it up…give me that phone…I’m going to look it up…
J: There was a Bartholemew, a Matthias, a Tomias…
Me: Tomias???  Now you are really reaching.  (reading from a website) Mark and Luke were not apostles.  Also, no Tomias, but that’s not a shock because you made that up.  Oh, and Matthias? He only became an apostle after Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus.  (I read off the names of the apostles)
J: That’s not right…
Me: Of course it’s right…it’s right here…look…
SIL: Did you both go to Catholic school?
Me: What’s your point? (to J) Can we stop with the apostles now?
J: Fine…you are no fun.

There you have it.  We are like two idiots sometimes.

Judas had a what now???

Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  She said she didn’t know how she and her husband were going to be parents.  She said they were far too immature and often had conversations about things like farting.  How were they ever going to be role models for their kids?  What was going to become of her poor children?  Well…she was pregnant when we had that conversation and I can tell you that her kids turned out just fine.  But I understand where she was coming from.  I want to have a baby and I’m old, so it’s really got to happen kind of soon.  But I worry about J and I as parents in that same way.  Sometimes the things we discuss are…frightening.  They are most definitely inappropriate conversations to have in front of kids. 

Here’s a little sampling of what we discussed this past weekend…

Setting: eating dinner…I scraped my fork against the plate…which I guess I do a lot and which drives J crazy…

J: Are you going to break that too…like the glass? (I broke a glass once while putting it into the dishwasher…and J has never gotten over it.)
Me: Here we go with the glass again…yes, maybe I will break the plate.
J: Then you can be just like Judas.
Me: Come again?
J: You know…because after Judas betrayed Jesus there were only eleven apostles.
Me: Right…but what does that have to do with broken plates?
J: Jesus told Judas to take his plate  and his gold and get the fuck out.
Me: And?
J: And then the apostles only had eleven plates…like we will if you break that plate.
Me: I see.  Um, it was silver.
J: What was silver?
Me: Judas…he got 30 pieces of silver…not gold.
J: Right, but he took that silver and went to the dentist and got himself some grillz…Yeah boy!
Me: You have problems.

Setting: Watching Alice In Wonderland…

J: Why did she follow that rabbit? And what’s he doing outside of his rabbit hole?
Me: That’s how the story goes…she is bored and sees the rabbit so she follows it.
J: But it’s supposed to be a white rabbit.
Me: That is a white rabbit.
J: But it’s wearing a topcoat.
Me: It’s still a white rabbit.
J: But why is he outside?
Me: Because that’s how the story goes.
J: But isn’t this movie about that Janis Joplin song?
Me: What Janis Joplin song?
J: You know…(singing) One pill makes you smaller and one pill makes you tall…
Me: That’s Jefferson Airplane.  And the song is about the book.  You know the book came first right?
J: Hey, does it really end with everyone eating her because she turns into a cake?
Me: What?
J: You know, like the Tom Petty video.
Me: No…have you never read the book?
J: Books are for losers.
Me: You have problems.

There were definitely many others along these same lines…but that are just not fit to print here.  One involved the words “ball sack”. 

It’s not just the conversations, either.  Our terms of endearment for each other are things like “smelly pirate hooker” and “ass puppet”.  We give each other the middle finger…all the time and for no reason at all.  We curse like truck drivers.    A common answer to a request is “suck it” or “bite me”…which always sends the other person into peals of hysterical laughter.

Basically, we are two giant idiots.  How are we ever going to grow up enough to raise children?  Are our children going to go to school and call their class-mates “claptrap” or “slappy”?  I have real fear for our future children and I hope that someday that will forgive us.