Open Letter Thursday…

Dear Universe,

Clearly you are trying to teach me something this week.  The problem is…you aren’t doing a very good job because I’m not sure exactly what lesson I’m supposed to be learning!  Are you trying to tell me that I need to be more patient?  That I need to be more tolerant of stupidity?  That I shouldn’t judge a book by its nasty, condescending cover?  That, in the immortal words of Mick Jagger, you can’t always get what you want…but you just might find you get what you need???

Maybe it’s all of the above.  Or perhaps you’re simply fucking with me? 

Either way, I’m here to tell you…I get it.  I’ve learned my lessons.  I will be more patient…especially with annoying people who talk loudly on the train even when they sit in the quiet car.  I will be more tolerant of the stupidity that seems to constantly surround me.  I will smile and be nice to the nasty people, even if I do believe their hearts are black and they have no souls.  And I will have faith that there is a bigger plan that will provide me with what I need…even if it’s not what I wanted in the first place. 

So can you please cut me a break now?  Please stop randomly deleting shows off my DVR.  Please stop forcing me to park in the farthest parking spot from the train, only to have the person in the closest spot drive away AFTER I walk all the way back.  Please stop sending carpenter ants into my house.  Please let me get back to my regularly scheduled boring week. 

And now I’m going to go listen to the Rolling Stones.

Thank you,

Shana

Open Letter Thursday…

Dear NFL players and owners,

Do you guys watch the news?  Because I do…and this morning they did a story about how thousands of people are losing their jobs this week…being laid off from Cisco and Borders and Boeing.  They showed a video of people standing in line, waiting to sign up for unemployment benefits.  It was a VERY long line.

The very next story was about the NFL lockout and for that story they had video of you guys getting out of your fancy cars in your custom-made suits and heading into a meeting.  They said there was some hope that you all might be able to reach an agreement sometime today. 

After hearing about people losing their jobs and filing for unemployment benefits, I found it really hard to muster up any sympathy for you guys and your disagreements on how you are going to split your millions and millions of dollars. 

So players…I would like to remind you of something that I think you might have forgotten…you play a game for a living.  And a good number of you earn millions of dollars to do it.  I’m not saying it’s easy and I’m sure you all work really hard at it…but you are PLAYING A GAME!!!  You are not sitting in an office or working in a factory, taking orders from some asshole and making minimum wage for your efforts. 

And owners…please don’t expect any sympathy from me either.  I know how much season tickets cost because we recently paid our bill.  You guys are making a pretty penny off that…and you don’t even have do anything, but collect your money!

Personally, I will live if there is no football season.  I can think of far better ways to spend my Sundays than sitting and freezing my ass off only to watch the Giants play badly.  But J will be very disappointed.  He loves football season… and looks forward to it all year.  It’s the perfect way to end his week and to relax before another crappy five (or six) days at work.  I’m sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way.

So boys…get your shit together and get this deal done.  This nonsense has gone on far too long.  Everyone needs to stop being so greedy and remember how lucky you all are, not only to be employed, but to be doing something you absolutely love.  Most of the rest of us aren’t quite so lucky.  So get the deal done and get your asses to camp already.  Some of you really need the practice (I’m looking at you, Eli).

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Shana

PS – Stop by From The Sidelines today to find out just when I started caring so much about sports.

Open Letter Thursday…

I realize I’m a little late to this particular party, but I’ve decided to contribute my two cents anyway…

Dear Christina Aguilera,

I would like to put this out there right from the start…I’m not a fan.  Don’t get me wrong…I think you have an incredible voice. 

The problem is…you have no idea how to sing.  You oversing…everything! 

I have to tell you…it’s really annoying and off-putting. 

The main reason for my letter is to discuss your spectacular fail at the Superbowl.  

I’m not here to criticize you for messing up the words.  The National Anthem is a notoriously difficult song to sing and I can’t even imagine how nerve-wracking it was to stand up in front of an audience of millions.  You are only human and you certainly aren’t the first person to mess up while singing The Star Spangled Banner.  I mean…it wasn’t your proudest moment…but it wasn’t Roseanne Barr at the Padres game either. 

No, I’m not here for that…I’m here to criticize you for oversinging it. 

When your name was announced to sing the National Anthem, J and I both groaned.  The first thing I said was “This should be horrible.”  I had no idea just how bad it would be.

See…the singing of the National Anthem is one of my favorite parts of a football game.  I actually get goosebumps when I hear those first few words.  In my opinion, the National Anthem represents something special and sacred and it should be sung the way it was intended.  I think it is disrespectful to try to tailor the song to your own personal style.  It shouldn’t be subject to your interpretation.  You should go out there and sing it properly and without all the flair…and the oversinging. 

According to your Wikipedia page, you’ve sung the Anthem before dozens of sporting events throughout your career.  I have no doubt that you know the words.  I think you really did just get caught up in overdoing it and you truly did lose your place.  But maybe if you weren’t oversinging, you would have been able to concentrate on the lyrics more. 

I heard that you have been asked to sing it again in the coming weeks.  I am begging you to sing the song the way it was intended and not the way you did on Sunday.  With your amazing voice it could be incredible.  Please try not to screw it up again. 

Thanks!

Shana

 So tell me, dear readers…what did you think of X-tina and her epic fail?  What do you think of her in general? Do you think it’s ok for people to put their own spin on the National Anthem?

Open Letter Thursday…

I have created a monster.  A really lazy monster.  See…I’m a total control freak and I always need things to be done my way.  People rarely do things my way, which leads me to do a lot of things myself.  Apparently J thinks this means he doesn’t have to do anything and that I’ll just take care of everything.  Not true.  So today’s open letter goes out to my dear, sweet boyfriend…

Dear J,

I know that I’m awesome and that I’m always on top of everything and that I always have all the answers and I’m always right.  I know that you have gotten used to all of that and to me just taking care of everything and you are now spoiled and lazy.  I know that you being spoiled and lazy is my fault.  But seriously?  It’s like you’ve forgotten how to use your brain.  So I’d like to go over a few things with you.

  1. If the dogs poops on her blanket, the appropriate action is to take it to the laundry room, pre-treat the soiled area and put the blanket in the washing machine.  (Bonus points if you actually turn the washer on.)  The incorrect thing to do is to throw the blanket down the basement stairs and then not warn me it’s there, so that when I walk down the stairs in the dark I trip over it and almost kill myself. 
  2. When you get home from work before me and you take the dogs out to pee…you have to make sure they actually pee.  “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer when I ask you if they peed.  I understand that sometimes they take their sweet time and it can be boring standing there waiting for them to sniff every square inch of the lawn.  But you are a big boy…you can stand there for ten minutes and watch them instead of screwing around in the garage and paying no attention to the dogs.
  3. When Sofie wakes up at 5AM and starts crying and licking your face, get off your ass and take her out.  Do not say “Go give mommy kisses”.  That is the wrong answer.  Using excuses like “I didn’t know what she wanted” and “The girls are shy and they don’t like to pee in front of me” is also unacceptable.  If the dog is crying and bouncing around the bed at 5AM, it’s because she has to pee.  And they are dogs…they don’t understand that they are girls and you are a boy…they are not shy…you are lazy.  I know it’s early and it’s annoying to have to get up at that hour, but it won’t kill you to do it once in a while.  I know this because I do it every single day and I’m still alive.
  4. If I ask  you what you want for dinner please do not say “I don’t care”.  If you really didn’t care that answer would be fine.  But you do care.  You care a lot.  So what usually happens is you say you don’t care, I order something and then you complain that you don’t like it and you wanted something else.  If you have an opinion, voice it.  Otherwise, you lose your right to bitch. 
  5. And yes…we are eating takeout again…because I worked all day too…and I left the house before you did and I got home later than you did and I’m tired and I don’t feel like cooking.  So unless you are going to cook, we are eating takeout.  Get over it.  Also, a sandwich is perfectly acceptable as an entrée.  So is macaroni and cheese.  If you want gourmet home cooking every night, I’m happy to provide it…after I quit my job and become a lady of leisure. 
  6. I am very well aware that there is a mountain of dirty laundry in the bed room.  You asking me if I’m going to “get on that any time soon” is not going to get it done any faster.  It’s your laundry…if you want it done now…do it yourself.  Otherwise, I’ll get to it when I get to it. 
  7. Lastly, there is something in the kitchen called a “dishwasher”.  It’s the square white cabinet-looking thing to the left of the sink.  It’s pretty cool actually…you open the door of this dishwasher and you put your dirty dishes inside of it.  Then…when it’s full…you press some buttons and viola…clean dishes.  Please familiarize yourself with this appliance and put all future dirty dishes in there…instead of leaving them in the sink…or on the counter.  (BTW…what is that about?  Why the dirty dishes on the counter?  I don’t get it.)

I appreciate you studying these rules and implementing them right away.  It will make our already happy home a much happier place with far less yelling, bitching and eye-rolling coming from my general direction.

Love you sweetie!!!

XOXO
Shana

Open Letter Thursday…

Dear HGTV,

I love House Hunters.  I love real estate and reality TV so this show is perfect for me.  I get to tour different houses and see different cities and towns…all from the comfort of my own couch.  As an extra bonus, if the people are really annoying, I can change the channel.  It’s awesome.

Except, lately…the people are really annoying…and they all say and do the exact same things.  I fear the show is going down hill and if things don’t improve I’m going to have to stop watching. 

I am currently hunting for a house myself and I try extra hard to avoid being annoying when talking with my realtor.  I don’t have unrealistic expectations, I don’t complain about things that are minor and I don’t make stupid jokes.  I would like to offer the following suggestions to your future house hunters to make your show more enjoyable. 

  • Ugly wall color is not a deal breaker.  You can paint the walls.  Nothing drives me crazy like someone walking into a house and saying “This house is totally perfect and the price is great and I love the location…but this horrible paint color is a deal breaker.”  Seriously?  Drive yourself down to Home Depot, pick up a few gallons of a more pleasing color and a roller and get to work.  This is not a reason not to buy a house.
  • Don’t make the joke about the walk-in closet.  This is the joke that every couple makes on this show.  Every. Single. Couple.  It goes like this…the realtor leads the couple into the master bedroom, opens the closet door and says, “So Susie, do you think this closet is big enough…ha ha ha.”  And then Susie responds, “Well, it’s big enough for me, but where is Bob going to put his stuff…ha ha ha.”  Yeah, it’s not funny.  Ever.  I will admit that I did this once…my realtor totally set me up for it and I played right into her cheesy little trap.  I am ashamed of myself and I’ve never done it again. 
  • Unless you are going to be running a house of ill-repute, you probably won’t do enough entertaining to make that a factor in your decision-making process.  This is another one that everyone uses.  “This space is/isn’t really great for entertaining.”  Who entertains so much that you have to choose a house that is good for having parties?  No one, that’s who.  J actually tried this one out on me the other day.  He was commenting that a particular house would present a parking challenge if we were to have a party.  You know how many parties we’ve had since we moved into our house two years ago?  None.  I shut him down quick on that one.  Unless you are a character on The O.C., where there was a party once a week, this shouldn’t be a factor. 
  • Stop getting so excited about the granite countertops.  Granite countertops do not mean the kitchen is “high-end”.  It’s very possible to put granite counters on top of pressed board cabinets.  Also, there is such a thing as cheap granite.  Trust me…that’s what I have in my kitchen.   Home Depot has made granite affordable to all of us…bless their little corporate heart.  So, open the drawers and the cabinets, see if they are custom or well made and ask where the granite came from.  Don’t just assume that granite = expensive.
  • Please stop making references to watching “the game”.  As in “This open floor plan will be great for watching the game.”  Please be more specific.  Are we talking baseball?  Football?  Soccer?  And why does one need an open floor plan for watching sports?  In my house, the sport of choice is football.  We do not have an open floor plan and the kitchen is so far away from the tv you can’t even really hear it.  During football season, Sundays are spent in the living room.  Food is prepared before or in between the games.  This is not that much of an inconvenience.  Trust me.
  • Don’t make ridiculous excuses to explain why you don’t like a house…you don’t have to like every house.  Last week, I watched a couple walk through a house that they clearly did not like.  They pointed out stupid things along the way, like the offensive wall color and the stained carpets.  Their realtor told them that these things were all cosmetic and could be changed, so they got more desperate.  They walked into the kitchen and started talking about how small it was.  When the realtor correctly pointed out that it was of adequate size the wife said “Well, you can’t open the oven door and the dishwasher at the same time.”  Seriously???  There is no situation I can possibly think of where you would need an oven door and a dishwasher door open at the same time.  None.  What…is there going to be some sort of dishwashing emergency where you just couldn’t wait until the oven door was closed?  Of course, not.  They were reaching.  It’s acceptable to say “You know what, this house is just not for us.”  Period.  No one is going to think you are mean or bad. 

Your cooperation with these points in the future is greatly appreciated. 

Thanks in advance,

Shana

Open Letter Thursday…

Salt over at Salt Says has a Thursday feature where she writes an open letter to someone who is really bugging her.  I’ve been thinking of doing this lately, but no one’s really bugged me enough…until now.  I finally have something that I am fired up about so, dear readers, I bring you my first Open Letter Thursday…

Dear J,

I think I have created a monster.  Despite all of the hard work your mother put in, trying to raise wonderful, well-adjusted children, you have somehow developed a horrible selfish streak.  You have also become very whiney.  Your brothers are not like that…in fact, they are quite the opposite…so I feel that I must somehow be to blame.  I think I have done such a good job of taking care of you and catering to your needs that you have become a total spoiled brat.  Let me explain what I mean.

Last night, I asked you three times what you wanted to eat.  You were glued to your computer monitor, furiously researching stock market activity.  You told me you were “doing something” and would eat later.  I told you that I was hungry and was going to eat without you, which you said was fine with you…I presume in order to get me to shut up.   When you finished “doing something” and started pouting halfway through my meal, I agreed to stop eating to help you make mini pizzas.  Key words in that sentance…HELP YOU!  However, upon seeing that I had everything under control, you decided to take off for the living room with a bag of chips to watch television.  Did it ever occur to you that I might like some company while I made your dinner…especially since I was sacrificing my own dinner to cook yours?  Yeah, I know it’s boring to stand around the kitchen and watch someone shred cheese.  It’s also boring to be the one doing the shredding.  Sometimes being a grown up means making sacrifices like that to make someone else happy. 

Speaking of making someone happy…I know that you are not a big fan of the angsty drama on Grey’s Anatomy and that you were never really into Lost, so watching the finale would have been annoying since you didn’t really get it.  I also know that you HATE Dancing with the Stars.  That is why I go out of my way to watch those shows when you are not home or when you are asleep.  Is it really such a tragedy if you come home while I’m watching and you are subjected to 5 whole minutes of those programs?  Can you not just sit down and shut up and deal with it for 5 minutes? 

Because you know what I hate???  Fast Money…those traders are a bunch of assholes who say the same stupid crap every single day.  The annoyance, of course, is compounded by the fact that you yell the same insults at the TV every single day and then you rail on about how stupid the Democrats are every single day.  (BTW – it must have escaped your notice, but I AM a Democrat!)  Know what else I hate???  Holmes on Homes…I’m surprised that guy hasn’t broken his arm patting himself on the back for being the ONLY honest contractor in Canada.  And Survivorman…all that dude does is whine about being hungry and being cold…hey guy, here’s an idea…don’t let the helicopter drop you in the Arctic in the middle of winter.  Oh and let’s not forget my all time favorite…Ask This Old House.  Talk about boring…there’s like two minutes of dialog and fifteen minutes of watching a guy dig up a plant or nail down squeaky floor boards. 

And yet, I watch all of those shows without (much) complaint.  Never do you hear me say things like “You have to turn this shit off right now.”…firstly, because I don’t order you around like that ever, but also because I am an adult and I can suffer through a few TV shows if it’s going to make you happy. 

So…the spoiled brat behavior stops now.  Going forward, you will help me cook dinner.  If there is nothing cooking-related to do, you will stand in the kitchen and gaze at me lovingly.  If your dinner happens to be ready before mine, you will wait for me to actually sit down at the table before you start eating.  If you enter the room and find me watching a show you don’t like you can either sit down and watch with me with your mouth shut or you can leave the room the same way you came in.  Only babies throw temper tantrums and whine until they get their way.  If you want something from me, ask nicely.  Oh…one more thing…saying “I’m going to go out” if we are in the middle of a fight is not the threat you mean it to be.  When I’m that mad at you it’s actually more like a treat.  It gives me a little peace and quiet!

I think if you follow these simple rules our home with be a much happier place and I will be less of a nagging shrew.  Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Love you,
S