Salt over at Salt Says has a Thursday feature where she writes an open letter to someone who is really bugging her. I’ve been thinking of doing this lately, but no one’s really bugged me enough…until now. I finally have something that I am fired up about so, dear readers, I bring you my first Open Letter Thursday…
I think I have created a monster. Despite all of the hard work your mother put in, trying to raise wonderful, well-adjusted children, you have somehow developed a horrible selfish streak. You have also become very whiney. Your brothers are not like that…in fact, they are quite the opposite…so I feel that I must somehow be to blame. I think I have done such a good job of taking care of you and catering to your needs that you have become a total spoiled brat. Let me explain what I mean.
Last night, I asked you three times what you wanted to eat. You were glued to your computer monitor, furiously researching stock market activity. You told me you were “doing something” and would eat later. I told you that I was hungry and was going to eat without you, which you said was fine with you…I presume in order to get me to shut up. When you finished “doing something” and started pouting halfway through my meal, I agreed to stop eating to help you make mini pizzas. Key words in that sentance…HELP YOU! However, upon seeing that I had everything under control, you decided to take off for the living room with a bag of chips to watch television. Did it ever occur to you that I might like some company while I made your dinner…especially since I was sacrificing my own dinner to cook yours? Yeah, I know it’s boring to stand around the kitchen and watch someone shred cheese. It’s also boring to be the one doing the shredding. Sometimes being a grown up means making sacrifices like that to make someone else happy.
Speaking of making someone happy…I know that you are not a big fan of the angsty drama on Grey’s Anatomy and that you were never really into Lost, so watching the finale would have been annoying since you didn’t really get it. I also know that you HATE Dancing with the Stars. That is why I go out of my way to watch those shows when you are not home or when you are asleep. Is it really such a tragedy if you come home while I’m watching and you are subjected to 5 whole minutes of those programs? Can you not just sit down and shut up and deal with it for 5 minutes?
Because you know what I hate??? Fast Money…those traders are a bunch of assholes who say the same stupid crap every single day. The annoyance, of course, is compounded by the fact that you yell the same insults at the TV every single day and then you rail on about how stupid the Democrats are every single day. (BTW – it must have escaped your notice, but I AM a Democrat!) Know what else I hate??? Holmes on Homes…I’m surprised that guy hasn’t broken his arm patting himself on the back for being the ONLY honest contractor in Canada. And Survivorman…all that dude does is whine about being hungry and being cold…hey guy, here’s an idea…don’t let the helicopter drop you in the Arctic in the middle of winter. Oh and let’s not forget my all time favorite…Ask This Old House. Talk about boring…there’s like two minutes of dialog and fifteen minutes of watching a guy dig up a plant or nail down squeaky floor boards.
And yet, I watch all of those shows without (much) complaint. Never do you hear me say things like “You have to turn this shit off right now.”…firstly, because I don’t order you around like that ever, but also because I am an adult and I can suffer through a few TV shows if it’s going to make you happy.
So…the spoiled brat behavior stops now. Going forward, you will help me cook dinner. If there is nothing cooking-related to do, you will stand in the kitchen and gaze at me lovingly. If your dinner happens to be ready before mine, you will wait for me to actually sit down at the table before you start eating. If you enter the room and find me watching a show you don’t like you can either sit down and watch with me with your mouth shut or you can leave the room the same way you came in. Only babies throw temper tantrums and whine until they get their way. If you want something from me, ask nicely. Oh…one more thing…saying “I’m going to go out” if we are in the middle of a fight is not the threat you mean it to be. When I’m that mad at you it’s actually more like a treat. It gives me a little peace and quiet!
I think if you follow these simple rules our home with be a much happier place and I will be less of a nagging shrew. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.