Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She said she didn’t know how she and her husband were going to be parents. She said they were far too immature and often had conversations about things like farting. How were they ever going to be role models for their kids? What was going to become of her poor children? Well…she was pregnant when we had that conversation and I can tell you that her kids turned out just fine. But I understand where she was coming from. I want to have a baby and I’m old, so it’s really got to happen kind of soon. But I worry about J and I as parents in that same way. Sometimes the things we discuss are…frightening. They are most definitely inappropriate conversations to have in front of kids.
Here’s a little sampling of what we discussed this past weekend…
Setting: eating dinner…I scraped my fork against the plate…which I guess I do a lot and which drives J crazy…
J: Are you going to break that too…like the glass? (I broke a glass once while putting it into the dishwasher…and J has never gotten over it.)
Me: Here we go with the glass again…yes, maybe I will break the plate.
J: Then you can be just like Judas.
Me: Come again?
J: You know…because after Judas betrayed Jesus there were only eleven apostles.
Me: Right…but what does that have to do with broken plates?
J: Jesus told Judas to take his plate and his gold and get the fuck out.
J: And then the apostles only had eleven plates…like we will if you break that plate.
Me: I see. Um, it was silver.
J: What was silver?
Me: Judas…he got 30 pieces of silver…not gold.
J: Right, but he took that silver and went to the dentist and got himself some grillz…Yeah boy!
Me: You have problems.
Setting: Watching Alice In Wonderland…
J: Why did she follow that rabbit? And what’s he doing outside of his rabbit hole?
Me: That’s how the story goes…she is bored and sees the rabbit so she follows it.
J: But it’s supposed to be a white rabbit.
Me: That is a white rabbit.
J: But it’s wearing a topcoat.
Me: It’s still a white rabbit.
J: But why is he outside?
Me: Because that’s how the story goes.
J: But isn’t this movie about that Janis Joplin song?
Me: What Janis Joplin song?
J: You know…(singing) One pill makes you smaller and one pill makes you tall…
Me: That’s Jefferson Airplane. And the song is about the book. You know the book came first right?
J: Hey, does it really end with everyone eating her because she turns into a cake?
J: You know, like the Tom Petty video.
Me: No…have you never read the book?
J: Books are for losers.
Me: You have problems.
There were definitely many others along these same lines…but that are just not fit to print here. One involved the words “ball sack”.
It’s not just the conversations, either. Our terms of endearment for each other are things like “smelly pirate hooker” and “ass puppet”. We give each other the middle finger…all the time and for no reason at all. We curse like truck drivers. A common answer to a request is “suck it” or “bite me”…which always sends the other person into peals of hysterical laughter.
Basically, we are two giant idiots. How are we ever going to grow up enough to raise children? Are our children going to go to school and call their class-mates “claptrap” or “slappy”? I have real fear for our future children and I hope that someday that will forgive us.