Fumbling again…

Once upon a time, my life was a chaotic mess and I was floundering…or maybe fumbling is a better word.  One night, I sat down at my computer and created a blog.  My intention was to chronicle the process of putting my life back in order and making myself happy once again.  I thought writing about it would be therapeutic and would keep me accountable to do the things I said I was going to do.  Turns out…I was totally right.  The writing was extremely therapeutic and it made me incredibly happy.  I met new people and traveled to new places.  I was able to share and create and vent and just sort of empty my brain of the million thoughts that are always floating around in there.  Also, I totally got my shit together, my life stopped being a chaotic mess and I stopped floundering.

For a long time, I sat down at my computer every day (or almost every day) and I wrote.  It was my happy place and I loved it…until I didn’t.  My focus shifted and I started to write things that I thought people would want to read instead of things that I actually wanted to write.  I started checking my site stats and being disappointed if I didn’t get any comments on a particular post.  I started looking at blog trends to figure out how to become more popular.  It suddenly felt like work and I started to hate sitting down to write everyday.  I also began to feel like I had exposed far too much of my life online where just anyone could find it.  So I stepped away.

But lately I’ve been feeling a little of what I did at the beginning…the thing that made me start writing in the first place.  My life is not a chaotic mess and I’m not fumbling really…but there’s something not quite right.  I’m bored, but at the same time, everything feels hectic.  I have a hundred balls in the air, but nothing to do.  I want to do everything, but really I just want to sit around and do nothing.  I feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed with my life.

I think the issue is the huge birthday I have looming at the end of the year…just a few short months away.  I think the issue is that I’m having a bit of a mid-life crisis.  I’ve reached an age that I can’t really believe…an age that used to seem sooooo far away…and I feel like I should have done so much more by now than what I’ve done.

Time is passing too quickly and every time I blink another year has gone by.  I have notebooks all over the house where I jot down ideas and things I want to do and plans I’m making, but there are so many things I have no idea where to start, so instead of doing something, I sit down and watch Castle re-runs.  I’m really great at hatching abstract ideas, but horrible at making concrete plans to turn those ideas into reality.  I’ve also slipped into really bad habits from working at home and my days don’t have enough structure or routine.

Today, I realized that before this gets worse and I start going clubbing and looking for a 20-year-old boyfriend, I really need to do something about all of this.  I have to stop jotting things into notebooks and make a clear list of goals.  Then I have to make a concrete plan to achieve each of those goals.  I thought about all of this while I grocery shopped earlier and when I walked back into the house, I went directly to the computer and opened this page.  Blogging suddenly made so much sense again.

This time, though, I’m not going to lose sight of the fact that I’m doing this for me.  I don’t care about marketing my blog or trying to sell ad space.  I am not going to worry about creating a larger Twitter presence so I can drive traffic to my blog.  While I appreciate every single person that will read it, I will be just as happy if the only eyes that ever see it are my own.

It feels really good to be back here.

Comments

  1. Glad you’re not back to fumbling but also glad to see a post from you again :)

Speak Your Mind

*