Another great debate…

J and I are having a debate.  It’s been going on for a while.  We can’t seem to come to any sort of agreement so we decided to put the question out there to all of you and get your opinions on the matter. 

Here’s the deal…J snores.  And I don’t mean he just snores all normal and guy-like.  I mean he SNORES.  Seriously…sometimes it’s like sleeping next to a running chainsaw.  He also stops breathing and basically chokes until he wakes up.  The first time I spent the night with him I thought he was dying.  It’s really unpleasant to listen to and it’s very difficult to sleep next to.  In addition to the snoring, J likes to keep the light and the TV on all night long.  He said the noise helps him to sleep and he just likes the room to be bright. 

For me…this scenario is a nightmare.  I have a bit of insomnia and the television and light are distractions from sleeping that I just don’t need.  I also don’t need the dogs laying all over me, making the bed feel like an oven.  When I finally do fall asleep, J’s snoring wakes me up and then I’m up all night.  In order to get a really good night’s sleep, I need a quiet, dark, cold room with no distractions.  Needless to say, I don’t sleep that well most of the time.

About eight months ago, I was sitting awake in the middle of the night…completely exhausted…and I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I was tossing and turning and changing the channels on the TV and I was annoying J and keeping him awake too.  I decided to go into the guest room where it was quiet to see if I could relax.  I was asleep in three minutes flat and I slept through until the next morning.  It was fabulous.  So now, whenever I can’t fall asleep or I wake up in the middle of the night, I sneak off into the guest room and I sleep like a baby.

This makes J crazy.  He hates it.  He bitches about it constantly.  He says it not normal for a couple to sleep in different beds and that we have to sleep in the same bed. 

I personally don’t see the big deal.  I mean…we’re asleep!  It’s not like we’re having a conversation and I get up and walk out of the room.  Most of the time he doesn’t even realize I’m gone until the morning.  In fact, last night, he got up, went down to the kitchen, ate Yankee Doodles, watched TV in the living room for half an hour and then came back to bed…and I had NO CLUE!  Also, I heard a story on the John Tesh show the other night that “snoring rooms” are becoming all the rage in new home construction and 25% of couples choose to sleep apart. 

I presented all this to J and he said it didn’t matter…he wants us to sleep in the same bed, period.  So last night I did it…I sucked it up and I stuck my ear plugs in my ears and I stayed in our bed all night.  The dogs kicked me and pushed me like I was in their way.  I watched some crazy infomercial at 4AM.  I tossed and turned.  I slept like shit and I’m really tired today.  But J is really happy. 

My question to all of you is this…do you think it matters if a couple sleeps in different rooms?  Or do you think it’s more important for both people to get a good night’s sleep?  Am I crazy???

I’m going to go order new sheets and duvet now…because if I’m not going to sleep I at least want to be as comfortable as possible!  I can’t wait to hear what you all think.


  1. I’ll answer the actual questions in a second but I have to say this first: J needs to see a doctor. What you’re describing sounds a helluva lot like what I was like before I had a CPAP machine and, eventually, surgery to correct my severe obstructive sleep apnea. It’s not just his (and your) sleep that is being disturbed by the snoring and stopping breathing, it affects a lot of other biological systems and can be quite bad for his long-term health.

    That out of the way…

    Private bedrooms goes back ages. Sleeping apart is only a problem if one of the people involved thinks it is (which, in your case, J doesn’t like it, so you’re kinda screwed). I suggest snuggly sheets, noise-cancelling headphones and a luxurious sleep mask to block out the light.

  2. His request basically means that you two sleeping in the same room is more important than your getting sleep. Because the two are mutually exclusive.

    I’m a light sleeper and my guy snores on occasion. I’ll go sleep on the couch. Of course, I’d rather sleep in my bed but his snoring keeps me up and I’m a jerk about my sleep. I need my sleep. I’m sure you would rather sleep in your own bed with your man too but it’s not possible because of the noise. In my opinion, it’s nice of you to sacrifice your comfort in your own bed by retreating to the guest bed. A lot of women would just poke their man all night and yell at him to stop snoring — making sure neither person gets a good night’s sleep.

    Maybe wait till he falls asleep then sneak away to the guest room and come back before he wakes up? Assuming he never gets up in the middle of the night ever which probably is unlikely.

  3. If you have a job and are up and out of the house early you defintely need a good night sleep to be on your A game! I would suggest spending quality time together in the evening and once you start feeling sleepy its good night J – sleep tight – don’t let the bed bugs bite!!

  4. I’m on your side. You can’t sleep well with him, and you need sleep. He wants you to sleep there, because he’s not the one being deprived of rest. I think he’d do the exact same thing, if it was you that snored. I mean, I get his view. I wouldn’t like sleeping without my husband, either. But if it was in both our best interest to sleep apart so we could rest and function at work, by all means I’d sacrifice that comfort. And it seems he’s not willing to sacrifice by turning off the TV and/or getting a CPAP machine, so why should you? This isn’t about him – it’s about YOU, and sleep is part of YOUR health. J, you’re wrong, buddy.

  5. As someone who dearly values sleep and used to suffer through horrendous snoring, I say you win this one. Back when Musicman snored like a banshee, I considered separate HOUSES let alone rooms.

    If J isn’t willing to compromise and give YOU the sleeping environment that YOU need (i.e. turn off lights and set a sleep timer for the TV so it goes off once he’s in peacful slumber), then you deserve to get sleep where and how you can. It’s not fair for him to expect you to lay awake all night simply because that’s the way it should be. Says who?

  6. Sure, it’s great to sleep next to each other. What he doesn’t seem to be getting is that only ONE of you is getting to do that – him.

    But there is a solution! Whenever you’re up, he’s up. His snoring wakes you? Shake him awake and tell him. Dogs waking you up? Shake him awake and tell him. Tell him to feel free to wake you whenever he’s woken – oh, what’s that? He’s able to sleep the night through? Must be nice. Now, wake up – that commercial was so loud it woke ME up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wow, honey. You look tired today. That must really SUCK.

    He’ll want you in your own bed inside a week. I’m serious. That is some grade-A bullshit, right there.

  7. This is a tough one (I was in a similar situation once with a snorer and it drove me nuts). Sleep is important. And you need it in order to function properly the next day. I say you suggest J go see someone about his sleep apnea/snoring issue and until then, you have full reign of the guest bedroom. And maybe save the sleeping in the same bed together for the weekends, when at least you can sleep in a bit?

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