To really understand and appreciate the story I’m going to tell you, you need to know two things…
#1 – The first weekend we owned our house, we were there, doing some minor repairs. J noticed that the downspout on the gutter was loose, but he needed a ladder to fix it. Since this was our first weekend in the house and our previous home was an apartment, we didn’t have a ladder. But J noticed that the guy in the house diagonally across from us had several ladders on the side of his house. J went over there and knocked on the door to ask to borrow a ladder. The guy who lives there opened the door a crack, listened to J’s request, shouted “no” and slammed the door. Upon talking to other neighbors, we found out that the guy is really strange and unfriendly and that he collects soda cans and keeps them in his back shed…which is gross because it attracts mice and rats. J has decided that the guy is a serial killer and said that when the police discover it and the news comes and all the other neighbors are saying that they are shocked and he was such a quiet guy, J’s going to say “I always knew he was a serial killer…ever since the first day I met him.”
#2 – We have a tree in front of our house that we want taken down. It’s right at the corner of the property, next to the street and according to the city, even though it’s on our property, we aren’t allowed to touch it. However, it’s half dead, it has millions of holes in it from carpenter ants and the roots have destroyed one half of our lawn and our front walkway and we are concerned they are starting to damage the foundation of the house. We have been petitioning the city to take the tree down since before we even closed on the house and they refuse, despite the arborist’s report we have that says the tree is in danger of falling down. If it does fall, it’s going to take out our car, our neighbor’s car, all the power lines in the neighborhood and anyone who happens to be standing in the area. We even contacted the power company, but there’s nothing they can do if the city refuses.
So…yesterday when I came home from work, J was on a ladder next to the tree. He had noticed several squirrels running up the tree and disappearing. When he went up the ladder to take a better look, he found that the inside of the tree is mostly hollow and rotted and now we are really concerned about it falling down. We decided to file yet another request with the city to have the tree taken down. We started discussing what to tell them to try to convince them this time…
Warning: some rather inappropriate language to follow…
J: (said with the enthusiasm of a six-year-old waiting for the ice cream truck) Yo, you know what you should tell them??? (I think he was actually bouncing up at down at this point.) Tell them that when the tree falls and the news comes here I’m going to be all like “Dude…I totally knew the tree was going to fall and I told the city this was going to happen for THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!! But they didn’t want to listen to me.”
S: Should I say “dude”?
J: Yeah. And tell them that I’m going to say “And that son of a bitch Santucci? Yeah, that guy didn’t maintain the property at all. And that fucker did all kinds of improvements to this house without permits and he did them badly…and when we told the city about it they basically told us to suck it. ”
S: Ok, I’ll tell them.
J: OOOOH! And tell them that I’m going to say “The city has their head up their ass and they don’t know what the fuck they are doing.”
S: And you are going to tell all this to the news?
S: And the news will be here because the tree is going to fall?
J: Yeah and it’s going to take out the power to the whole neighborhood and I’m going to tell them all about. OH…and then I’m going to be like “That guy across the street? (pointing in the direction of the guy’s house) Yeah…that motherfucker is a serial killer! BOO-YAH!”
S: Boo-yah indeed.
I’ll be sure to let you all know when this interview will be appearing on the news.
Oh…and when I called the city this morning to file the request…I didn’t tell them any of that. I just said the tree was rotten.