What I have in common with Kim Kardashian…

Last week, while standing in line at the grocery store, I glanced at the cover of People and saw this…

Apparently, life isn’t working out the way Miss Kardashian thought it would.  My first though was “Ugh, another Kardashian?”, but my second thought was “You and me, both, Kimmy”.

You see, if you’d told me ten years ago that I would be starting down 35, unmarried and childless, I would have thought you were smoking dope.  I had a plan and that plan included getting married around 26 and having my first kid at 27.  According to the plan, I should be on baby number three right now. 

Obviously, that plan didn’t work out.

J and I weren’t very smart about things in the beginning.  We met and we liked each other and we started seeing each other without really making clean breaks from our previous relationships.  So in the beginning, there were really four people in our relationship and that made things…complicated.  It took us a long time to move past that and to really establish ourselves as a couple.  Then I went through a period of time where I decided that I didn’t want to have kids…ever.  Then…a lot of other things happened…things that led us off course in one way or another.

The very short story is that, although J and I thought we knew what we wanted, we really had no clue.  We also didn’t communicate well and things that should have been no big deal ended up being huge issues with hurt feelings and anger.  It ended up taking us much longer than it should have to get where we are now. 

I spent a good deal of time being resentful that my life wasn’t turning out as expected and I looked for anyplace I could lay blame.  I re-hashed things over and over again.  I said things and did things that were stupid and childish and ridiculous.  I spent a lot of time being unhappy.

Then I realized that I was wasting even more time.  I was fixated on things that had happened in the past…things I couldn’t change or take back or do over.  I was completely ignoring what I did have…a boyfriend that I loved.  So we weren’t married yet…so we didn’t have kids yet…we were sharing our lives and we’d made a home together.  The rest would come in time. 

And just like that, I was happy again. 

That’s a total lie.  I didn’t wake up one morning and realize all of this.  It took me a while to work through it and come to these conclusions.  It took me even longer to accept that my plan wasn’t happening.  But I did eventually and I changed my focus away from what happened in the past and onto what we need to do in the future to get where we want to go. 

Our house is a much happier place these days.  We get along better and there is less fighting and more laughing.  We’ll get married and we’ll have babies…soon.  (At least, it will be soon if J knows what’s good for him.)  In the meantime, we are just going to enjoy what we have. 

As for Kim Kardashian…when I left that magazine on the coffee table and J saw the cover he said “If she wanted to get married so bad, maybe she shouldn’t have made that sex tape.  No one wants to marry the girl who’s flashing her shit all over town.”  There you have it…relationship advice from J. 

And that’s why I keep him around.

Comments

  1. That really IS great marital advice from J. (So wise, so wise).
    I think that we all place a lot of pressure on ourselves when it comes to finding “the one” and having our own happily ever after. I think I was the same way – trying to put time limits for reaching certain milestones in life.

    You miss a lot along the way if you think of each of those milestones as “bases” you have to run to. And I think you guys realize that.

    Good luck on your journey. And don’t make any sex tapes because I don’t think J will like that.
    Kiran

  2. You are much more patient than I was…after 4 months with Wilzie I was talking marriage. He finally proposed after 3 years and he said I was lucky he didn’t throw the ring at me (I may have been a tiny bit obnoxious about wanting to get married).
    Its good that you have learned to be happy where you are, because it sounds pretty good.
    And really, with advice like that, how can you not love J?!

  3. I remember thinking very similar things, literally weeks before I met my husband. I’d had some serious relationships crash and burn and I remember wondering how I’d ever know if a guy was right for me, and if I’d ever meet him at all. I had all these ideas about what my future husband should be: college educated, out-going, a business man. When I met my husband, he was none of those things, and I wasted a couple of months casually dating him and completely and hopelessly drawn to him, but thinking “this can’t be right.” When I let go of that and allowed myself to count his merits and not tally the things he wasn’t, it all fell into place, we fell deeply in love, and we were married a year and a half later. Now I look back and can’t believe how little I knew myself and what it was I really wanted and needed in my life.

  4. You know, you have all these ideas about how your life is supposed to go before you’re old enough to even begin to experience it! That’s society’s influence for ya. I did the same exact thing. I had big ideas about where I was supposed to be all throughout my life and none of them worked out. None! But once i quit worrying about fitting into what society says is “normal”, I stopped stressing about it and, like you, immediately felt a weight lifted and was able to be happier. I didn’t marry my boyfriend (of 8 years) until I was 35 myself… and just now, at 37, have found myself finally pregnant with my first. And honestly, I was beginning to think that neither of those things would ever happen. Ha. If it’s supposed to happen, it will… right?! That’s what I kept telling myself.

  5. And ain’t that the truth about the sex tape?! J seems like a smart man.

  6. Looks like we’re in the same boat girl – wanna share a bottle of bubbly??? Kim is not even 30 yet she has no reason to cry about this stuff – you and I different story. I’m here if you ever want to vent girl! I’m happy you found your happy place. I have too. My bestie and I discussed this the other night and she asked if I ever get upset or cry. I said I have in the past, and I worried. No one wants to be an old bride (at least not the first time).. but at the same time I know… I’m here and with him for a reason. He’s the only guy I’ve ever truly seen myself marrying – and I’ve had other serious relationships but if a guy brought up marriage I’d ask what he wanted for dinner… avoided it completely. Now that I’m ready I get a bit impatient but bottom line… he’s who I want to be with – the name of the game with our relationship is definitely PATIENCE.

  7. It’s difficult to make a life plan when the plan depends on the cooperation of others.

    Stupid others.

    Not everyone walks the same road. Some of us have to spend some time doing other things before we figure out what comes next. The trick, I think?

    Is to stop focusing on a GOAL that must be accomplished.

    To enjoy the moment. The right now. The beauty of this relationship, this love, this intimacy.

    You sound like you’ve figured that part out.

    And that will make the next part of your journey together even sweeter.

    Really.

  8. Kris literally took the words right out of my mouth. It’s easy to get caught up in the desire to meet all of our goals and to be where we always said we would be at different stages in life. But time and again I’ve watched couples crumple because of all that pressure. The woman wanted to be married by 27. Have a house by 29. With kids by 30. But we set these goals when we don’t really understand the journey and hard work that goes into building these relationships.

    I think you are in a much better place than so many others who allowed their milestones to get in the way of their own happiness. You and J have spent considerable time and effort on making your relationship work–something that not all couples do–so that when the time does come to settle down and get married and have kids, you’ll be ahead of the game. You will have already worked through all of the kinks.

    Thank GOD that sex tape hasn’t surfaced yet. HA! (J, I’m totally kidding). He cracks me the hell up.

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