It’s like Courtney Love sucking up a line of blow…

For the past three months J has been taking a class that meets on Monday and Thursday nights and all day Saturday.  It’s been a lot of work for him and he’s been exhausted.  It  has also meant that I’ve been alone on those nights which has been…

AWESOME!

Seriously.  I got to decide what to eat for dinner and what to watch on TV without any input…or whining or complaining…from J.  I’ve been loving every minute of it and when he came home from his final class on Saturday my first question was “When does the next class start?”.  I know…I’m a horrible person. 

So last night was the first Monday that J didn’t have class since the new TV season started.  On Monday nights I watch Dancing with the Stars.  J hates that show and, since he never learned compromise or sharing in kindergarten, he threw a little mini-tantrum.  He was whining and bitching…something about poking his eyes out and his ears bleeding from having to listen to all the fake drama.  I had no shot at peacefully watching the show with him, so I went upstairs to watch in the bedroom.  I settled into the ugly recliner with a cozy blanket and turned on my show. 

That meant J was alone in the living room and he immediately got bored.  Like any other bored child left unsupervised, he started wandering around the house.  I heard him in the kitchen opening the pantry and the fridge.  Then I heard him back in the living room.  Then I heard the basement door open and close and I started to get suspicious.  There was no need for him to be in the basement.  The door opened and closed again and he was back in the kitchen.  I heard things moving around and I thought maybe he was re-arranging my kitchen again.  I was tempted to get up and go see what he was doing but I was really comfortable. 

Just then, I heard a really loud noise and the dogs came running up the stairs.  The wet/dry vacuum.  I couldn’t imagine a scenario where the wet/dry vac running in the kitchen at 10PM ended was a good thing.  I figured the refrigerator was leaking water again.  I turned off my show, went downstairs and found J laying on his stomach in front of the fridge with the vacuum hose in hand. 

Apparently, there was no water.  J had gone into the kitchen to get ice and heard “a noise”.  He took the grill off the fridge to look underneath and see where the noise was coming from.  He saw that it was really dirty under there so he got out the vacuum to clean it.  At 10PM.  On a week night.  Then he started in on what a lousy housekeeper I am. 

Now…I will admit…I’m not the greatest housekeeper.  I hate cleaning…and in my house, it’s a losing battle.  I clean and J comes along and makes a mess again.  Things stay clean for about 2.2 seconds.  Also…we have beige carpets and two black dogs who shed like crazy.  There is always dog hair on everything, no matter how many times I vacuum.  So I gave up.  Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like an episode of hoarders.  My house is generally clean and things are put away and I do sweep and vacuum.  But there is always dog hair on the floor and I don’t dust often enough…and it’s true that I’ve never, ever vacuumed under the refrigerator. 

It’s also true that I work full-time and I leave the house before the sun is up.  When I get home, I’m tired and while I make sure the house isn’t a pigsty before I go to bed, I’m not going to use up all my free time cleaning.  Especially not when I have no help and when he just leaves a mess wherever he goes…like Pigpen.  I explained all of this to J…in a very loud voice…and then I stomped out of the room. 

He followed me into the entry way, dragging the vacuum behind him.  He decided that since he had it out, he wanted to get the dog hair off the stairs as well.  This particular vacuum has very strong suction and you could see the dog hair getting pulled off the carpet from an inch away.  J was all amazed by this.  He was like a kid with a new toy.  He called me over to see.  I was less impressed and started to walk away.  He turned to me and said…

“Come on…that’s awesome.  It’s like watching Courtney Loves suck up a line a line of blow.”

This statement was followed by him imitating the motions of snorting cocaine.  Which is when I lost it…because nothing is funnier than J…in his underwear…vacuuming the stairs and pretending to snort drugs.  Also…Courtney Love???  Where does he get these things? 

I finally convinced him that it was late and we should put the vacuum away for the night.  But I’ve been warned that it’s coming out again on Saturday when we will be cleaning the house from top to bottom. 

I can’t wait.

Comments

  1. If you find your house is untidy now, may I suggest that you never have kids. And also? Please have J talk to my husband about how to vacuum and clean the house because mine seems to have no idea.

    • Believe me…J has no idea how to clean either. This was something new and I’m guessing because he discovered a new toy in the vacuum. I’m sure the interest will wane quickly.

  2. Who vacuums under the fridge anyway? I’ll sweep the front part but I’ve never gotten all the way under and cleaned it deeply.

    “Only weirdos vacuum under the fridge”
    — A quote by Abraham Lincoln

    PS — That is not a quote by Abraham Lincoln

    • We watched some show recently about how appliances that are really dusty underneath…like the dryer…can catch on fire easily. I can understand dryer fires, but refrigerator fires? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

  3. You are seriously the luckiest girl I know. Your man actually discovered the vacuum cleaner ON. HIS. OWN. It’s like the first time he realized he had a penis. Total shock and awe. I would love to think that his love for something with such strong suction will last forever…but as soon he realizes that with such a toy comes responsibility, and well…SWEAT…that will be the end of that. And seriously? Who cleans UNDER the fridge? The Amish. Maybe.

    And this made me think about how we have housekeeping for these 2 weeks while we are in on-post lodging. And everyday, Neal pees on the toilet. Like the back part. I have no idea how he does it. And everyday, this sweet lady named Sharon comes and cleans it. And then he does it again. He doesn’t do that at home. I guess I just realized how considerate he actually is….to not pee on the toilet when the only person who will have to clean it is me. What a romantic.

    Here’s to hoping J continues to suck like Courtney Love…

    • I threatened J about the pee thing. I was cleaning the bathroom one day and I found that he’d gotten pee on the wall next to the toilet. Who does that??? I called him at work and told him the next time he did that I was hiring a cleaning lady and making him pay for it. He hasn’t done it again.

  4. This is definitely a first. Never in my life have I heard of anyone vacuuming under their fridge. Crap. Maybe I should vacuum under the fridge?

    It sounds like you have a super fun weekend planned. Hopefully he’ll forget all about it before then.

    • It was pretty gross under there, but I still thought it was overkill.

      And I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he forgets, but he’s got a really good memory.

  5. Don’t even get me started on the whole pee issue! I have no problem calling Wilzie (“PEE. ON. THE. FLOOR/SEAT/WALL!!!”) into the bathroom to clean up his mess before I sit down.
    At least J knows what cleaning is – when Wilzie decides we are having a “clean it up” day, while I wash floors and scrub toilets, he spends hours in his office going through files.
    *rolls eyes*

    • J will move the furniture in the living room so I can vacuum and then he will lay on the couch and tell me what I should be cleaning. It’s very annoying. Which is why it doesn’t happen very often.

  6. Ok, I’m w/ Allyson — He vaccumed on.his.own. The only time my husband did that pre-kid was when he was throwing a surprise party for me and I’d made a mess. I don’t think my husband knows their is an ‘under’ the fridge.

    • I’m definitely thinking I should be looking at this as a positive instead of being annoyed that he interrupted my dancing program. However, I’m still dreading this weekend.

  7. LMAO!!!!! I’m sorry but that is an awesome line :)

    I have never in my life vacuumed under the fridge. I just figured it was the one spot we all get a free pass on. He would be mortified to walk into my apartment then :p

  8. We will be doing the same thing on saturday at our house YAYYY! Maybe we should get under the fridge while we’re at it… come to think of it under the stove could use it too – I totally lost a cookie sheet behind the bottom drawer and when I removed the drawer there was a huge pile of fur… enough to be a 2nd cat if needed… YIKES!!!

    That J, he’s full of zing!

  9. I do the vacuum under the fridge/stove thing once a year. I’m always surprised at what I find and usually not pleasantly! But it doesn’t motivate me to do it more than that. Kudos to him for doing something productive with his boredom, but really? He couldn’t wait until DWTS was over? J and Ryan are clearly on the same train as far as tv watching goes. Ryan can’t just say, “I dislike this show and would like to watch something else.” He has to go into a whole rant about it and *then* a half hour later? He’s snoring anyway. *facepalm* Men!

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