A glimpse into the madness…

You all seemed to love my last glimpse into what life in my house sounded like, so I thought I’d give you some more. 

The other night we were watching Criminal Minds…a show about serial killers.  There were three girls locked in a room, being starved by a killer…

Me: Can’t they drink their urine?
J: What?
Me: You know…because he’s not giving them food or water.
J: …shakes his head…
Me: What?  Isn’t that what happens when people get lost at sea?  They drink their urine?
J: You aren’t allowed to speak for the rest of the night.
Me: Why?  Is that not a valid suggestion?  Tell me why it’s not a valid suggestion?
J: You are an idiot sometimes.
Me: But why is that not a valid suggestion?  I mean, it will keep them from dehydrating.
J: Hush.

J comes into the bedroom  holding a box…

Me: What’s that?
J: It’s something that is none of your business.
Me: Is it a toy that I can play with?
J: It’s a box of none of your business.
Me: Funny…because it looks like a clock.
J: That’s right…it’s a clock…to tell me when it’s time for you to stop being so nosy.
Me: Why did you get a clock?
J: I just told you.
Me: No I mean, did someone give you a clock?  Was it a gift?
J: What’s wrong?  Jealous that I got a shitty clock and you didn’t?
Me: Yup, so jealous.
J: No one ever gave you a clock.
Me: You bought me a watch.
J: Not the same. (J walks over to the dresser with the shitty clock.)
Me: What the hell are you doing with that shitty clock?  You aren’t going to put that shitty clock in here are you.
J: Yes, so you know when it’s time for you to stop being so nosy.

At lunch after my aunt’s funeral…we were talking to my brother and sister-in-law about names…

J: Didn’t people used to name their kids after the apostles?
Me: Here we go again with the apostles…
Brother: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that J’s got a thing about the apostles.
J: What were the names of the apostles.
Me: Really, you can’t just let it go?
J: (ignoring me) Matthew, Mark…
Me:  John, Paul, George, Ringo…
Brother and SIL: (snickering)
J: No seriously…Matthew, Mark, Luke…
Me: No seriously yourself…every time we go to a funeral or other church related event it’s always “What were the names of the apostles?” and you never remember and you drive everyone nuts.
J: You don’t remember either.
Me: True, but I don’t bring it up…give me that phone…I’m going to look it up…
J: There was a Bartholemew, a Matthias, a Tomias…
Me: Tomias???  Now you are really reaching.  (reading from a website) Mark and Luke were not apostles.  Also, no Tomias, but that’s not a shock because you made that up.  Oh, and Matthias? He only became an apostle after Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus.  (I read off the names of the apostles)
J: That’s not right…
Me: Of course it’s right…it’s right here…look…
SIL: Did you both go to Catholic school?
Me: What’s your point? (to J) Can we stop with the apostles now?
J: Fine…you are no fun.

There you have it.  We are like two idiots sometimes.


  1. It’s better than watching tv, and that’s saying a lot for me!

  2. My husband and I frequently have convos about nothing that go like this….
    me-that’s stupid
    him-you’re stupid
    me-your face is stupid
    Your convos are more interesting, at least they are sometimes about real things.

  3. Our arguments aren’t nearly as entertaining to those around us, as yours are. OH, wait a minute. My husband thinks it’s bad form to argue in front of others.

    Talk about NO FUN.

  4. So, this is EXACTLY what conversations with my husband sound like. We recently had one where we argued over how to know exactly what sounds dinosaurs made…

  5. Two idiots perhaps – but funny idiots! Don’t worry, we have similar conversations in my house too!

  6. Seriously, Shana?? IT. NEVER. GETS. OLD. My particular favorite is the one about the clock because that is EXACTLY what Neal would say “it’s time for you to quit being nosy.” But him bringing the apostles back up is pretty priceless too. I’m not sure how he forgets who comes after Luke. But I hear the first sign of Alzheimer’s is short term memory loss. Maybe it’s time for some light Rorhshock testing (you would think with a psychologist for a mother I would know how to spell that). Anyway, 2 thumbs up, way, way up for remembering all the nuances of these conversations so that you could accurately relate them to us later. Especially the apostles…

  7. This is so funny!!!

    You forgot about Ruffus, he was the 13th, but he was left out of the bible because he was black – or so Kevin Smith says 😉


  1. […] That email made me laugh all day.  (If you don’t know what J has to do with Judas, read this and this.) […]

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