Open Letter Thursday…

Dear HGTV,

I love House Hunters.  I love real estate and reality TV so this show is perfect for me.  I get to tour different houses and see different cities and towns…all from the comfort of my own couch.  As an extra bonus, if the people are really annoying, I can change the channel.  It’s awesome.

Except, lately…the people are really annoying…and they all say and do the exact same things.  I fear the show is going down hill and if things don’t improve I’m going to have to stop watching. 

I am currently hunting for a house myself and I try extra hard to avoid being annoying when talking with my realtor.  I don’t have unrealistic expectations, I don’t complain about things that are minor and I don’t make stupid jokes.  I would like to offer the following suggestions to your future house hunters to make your show more enjoyable. 

  • Ugly wall color is not a deal breaker.  You can paint the walls.  Nothing drives me crazy like someone walking into a house and saying “This house is totally perfect and the price is great and I love the location…but this horrible paint color is a deal breaker.”  Seriously?  Drive yourself down to Home Depot, pick up a few gallons of a more pleasing color and a roller and get to work.  This is not a reason not to buy a house.
  • Don’t make the joke about the walk-in closet.  This is the joke that every couple makes on this show.  Every. Single. Couple.  It goes like this…the realtor leads the couple into the master bedroom, opens the closet door and says, “So Susie, do you think this closet is big enough…ha ha ha.”  And then Susie responds, “Well, it’s big enough for me, but where is Bob going to put his stuff…ha ha ha.”  Yeah, it’s not funny.  Ever.  I will admit that I did this once…my realtor totally set me up for it and I played right into her cheesy little trap.  I am ashamed of myself and I’ve never done it again. 
  • Unless you are going to be running a house of ill-repute, you probably won’t do enough entertaining to make that a factor in your decision-making process.  This is another one that everyone uses.  “This space is/isn’t really great for entertaining.”  Who entertains so much that you have to choose a house that is good for having parties?  No one, that’s who.  J actually tried this one out on me the other day.  He was commenting that a particular house would present a parking challenge if we were to have a party.  You know how many parties we’ve had since we moved into our house two years ago?  None.  I shut him down quick on that one.  Unless you are a character on The O.C., where there was a party once a week, this shouldn’t be a factor. 
  • Stop getting so excited about the granite countertops.  Granite countertops do not mean the kitchen is “high-end”.  It’s very possible to put granite counters on top of pressed board cabinets.  Also, there is such a thing as cheap granite.  Trust me…that’s what I have in my kitchen.   Home Depot has made granite affordable to all of us…bless their little corporate heart.  So, open the drawers and the cabinets, see if they are custom or well made and ask where the granite came from.  Don’t just assume that granite = expensive.
  • Please stop making references to watching “the game”.  As in “This open floor plan will be great for watching the game.”  Please be more specific.  Are we talking baseball?  Football?  Soccer?  And why does one need an open floor plan for watching sports?  In my house, the sport of choice is football.  We do not have an open floor plan and the kitchen is so far away from the tv you can’t even really hear it.  During football season, Sundays are spent in the living room.  Food is prepared before or in between the games.  This is not that much of an inconvenience.  Trust me.
  • Don’t make ridiculous excuses to explain why you don’t like a house…you don’t have to like every house.  Last week, I watched a couple walk through a house that they clearly did not like.  They pointed out stupid things along the way, like the offensive wall color and the stained carpets.  Their realtor told them that these things were all cosmetic and could be changed, so they got more desperate.  They walked into the kitchen and started talking about how small it was.  When the realtor correctly pointed out that it was of adequate size the wife said “Well, you can’t open the oven door and the dishwasher at the same time.”  Seriously???  There is no situation I can possibly think of where you would need an oven door and a dishwasher door open at the same time.  None.  What…is there going to be some sort of dishwashing emergency where you just couldn’t wait until the oven door was closed?  Of course, not.  They were reaching.  It’s acceptable to say “You know what, this house is just not for us.”  Period.  No one is going to think you are mean or bad. 

Your cooperation with these points in the future is greatly appreciated. 

Thanks in advance,

Shana

Comments

  1. Hahahaha I concur. This cracks me up. When I went to look at condos, our (ex) a-hole realtor made that stupid closet joke at me. I just looked at him like he had three heads.

  2. re: the walk in closet – that is annoying but, what annoys me is when the realtor says “the closet is so big, it can count as an extra bedroom!”
    Uhm…no, it can’t

  3. It’s so true! ROFL! I admit to falling into the closet trap myself. When we were looking at the house we ended up buying, I fell in love with the closet and realtor totally led me right into it. You’d think they get tired of hearing it. Why would you lead them to it?!

    I agree with the stupid excuses too. There were some houses that we pulled up in the drive and said “This isn’t for us”, we didn’t even go inside and you know what?…That’s ok.

  4. Neal’s crack of choice is House Hunters. So, when he is home alone or makes it to the bedroom first at the end of the day, that’s what he puts the TV on. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have put here and would like, if you don’t mind, to add a few:

    1. Neal doesn’t have a “man cave” and has managed to survive just fine. Don’t strike down your wife’s ideal kitchen (which is beneficial to the whole family) just because your man cave doubles as a garage.

    2. Things that are easy to fix: broken blinds, a loose step, a burnt-out bulb. Things that are NOT easy to fix: mold.

    3. Stainless steel is not the end-all, be-all to high end kitchens. They show fingerprints like a sonofabitch.

    4. An open floor plan simply means that you can’t concentrate on your blogging because your husband is watching TV 20 feet away. Walls are highly underrated.

    Thank you for this. I can only hope it will find its way into HGTV’s inbox.

  5. Fuck the closets! Show me the foyer and I am a happy girl. Throw me a pocket door and watch me melt.

    I used to watch the HGTV lineup all the time. Then we bought a house or two and now I don’t. For the first time in a long time, we’ve hired people to do the remodels and it feels so awesome to hear them clanging away, watch the progress from a distance, and still be sort of clean at the end of the day. Awesome I tell you.

    Oh, and I have faux granite on faux wood cupboards. I love Home Depot. 😀

  6. I agree with all of your points. I also can’t stand it when couples point out that they can fit their entire house/condo in the walk-in closet. GROAN.

    And the paint as a deal-breaker? PUH-LEASE! Get your hands dirty a bit! Put some TLC in that house and make it your own! This makes me think of RHONJ (a show I know you’re also familar with) and Theresa not being able to move into a house someone else has lived in. How spoiled can people really be?

  7. I’m going to pee my pants – you read my mind with this. I get so annoyed everytime I watch it and they say dumb stuff. My boyfriend, Mike and I have started to talk back to them – commentary for D.A.’s (dumb asses) – “Oh really? You can stand in the walk in closet, IMAGINE THAT D.A.!!!”

    I always laugh when the tall husband tries to get in the standard tub to see if he can fit and then complains “It’s a little small” – HOW OFTEN DO YOU TAKE A BUBBLE BATH DINGY!!!?!?!?

    I agree with you full tilt!

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