Judas had a what now???

Many years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  She said she didn’t know how she and her husband were going to be parents.  She said they were far too immature and often had conversations about things like farting.  How were they ever going to be role models for their kids?  What was going to become of her poor children?  Well…she was pregnant when we had that conversation and I can tell you that her kids turned out just fine.  But I understand where she was coming from.  I want to have a baby and I’m old, so it’s really got to happen kind of soon.  But I worry about J and I as parents in that same way.  Sometimes the things we discuss are…frightening.  They are most definitely inappropriate conversations to have in front of kids. 

Here’s a little sampling of what we discussed this past weekend…

Setting: eating dinner…I scraped my fork against the plate…which I guess I do a lot and which drives J crazy…

J: Are you going to break that too…like the glass? (I broke a glass once while putting it into the dishwasher…and J has never gotten over it.)
Me: Here we go with the glass again…yes, maybe I will break the plate.
J: Then you can be just like Judas.
Me: Come again?
J: You know…because after Judas betrayed Jesus there were only eleven apostles.
Me: Right…but what does that have to do with broken plates?
J: Jesus told Judas to take his plate  and his gold and get the fuck out.
Me: And?
J: And then the apostles only had eleven plates…like we will if you break that plate.
Me: I see.  Um, it was silver.
J: What was silver?
Me: Judas…he got 30 pieces of silver…not gold.
J: Right, but he took that silver and went to the dentist and got himself some grillz…Yeah boy!
Me: You have problems.

Setting: Watching Alice In Wonderland…

J: Why did she follow that rabbit? And what’s he doing outside of his rabbit hole?
Me: That’s how the story goes…she is bored and sees the rabbit so she follows it.
J: But it’s supposed to be a white rabbit.
Me: That is a white rabbit.
J: But it’s wearing a topcoat.
Me: It’s still a white rabbit.
J: But why is he outside?
Me: Because that’s how the story goes.
J: But isn’t this movie about that Janis Joplin song?
Me: What Janis Joplin song?
J: You know…(singing) One pill makes you smaller and one pill makes you tall…
Me: That’s Jefferson Airplane.  And the song is about the book.  You know the book came first right?
J: Hey, does it really end with everyone eating her because she turns into a cake?
Me: What?
J: You know, like the Tom Petty video.
Me: No…have you never read the book?
J: Books are for losers.
Me: You have problems.

There were definitely many others along these same lines…but that are just not fit to print here.  One involved the words “ball sack”. 

It’s not just the conversations, either.  Our terms of endearment for each other are things like “smelly pirate hooker” and “ass puppet”.  We give each other the middle finger…all the time and for no reason at all.  We curse like truck drivers.    A common answer to a request is “suck it” or “bite me”…which always sends the other person into peals of hysterical laughter.

Basically, we are two giant idiots.  How are we ever going to grow up enough to raise children?  Are our children going to go to school and call their class-mates “claptrap” or “slappy”?  I have real fear for our future children and I hope that someday that will forgive us.


  1. OMG Shana, how do I respond to this … you are absolutely hilarious! You act like this because you can and because it’s the shape your relationship has taken, and it’s not wrong … it just is. Once you have kids, you’ll just do it behind closed doors 😉

  2. OMG – that Judas convo almost made coffee come outta my nose!
    And don’t worry about the kid thing…so long as you teach them when its appropriate to call someone a smelly pirate hooker and when its not, I’m sure they’ll turn out just fine 😉

    • I’m going to be the mom that gets called to school because her kid is calling the other kids smelly pirate hookers. Check back in a few years for confirmation.

  3. The strangest thing happens when you have kids:
    The fucks and shits, turn into freaks and craps.

    Also, trains and bluejays turn into choo-choos and birdies. I know, it’s a weird phenomenon.

    No worries, you’ll be awesome parents!

  4. Hilarious!

    Trust me, once the kids start coming you’ll learn how to think before you speak … especially when the kids start repeating everything you say.

    Visting from SITS

  5. You are awesome and I love these convos you have with J. I personally see nothing wrong with them (maybe b/c we share a similar sense of humor) but also I think as long as you are there for each other, challenging each other and making the other person laugh… well, then you have the beginnings of a beautiful relationship. That’s what you’ll want to introduce to your children (the potty mouth will subside once kids are introduced, I’m sure!).

    • I hope you are right about the potty mouth. Although…one of my first words was fuck, so I don’t have high hopes for my kids.

  6. OMG your Alice in Wonderland conversation.
    J really has some special thoughts flying around in that head of his.

    That IS a good video though. And I love how every convo with him ends with “You have problems”.

    • Dude, he seriously has problems. Of course, I didn’t tell you about the conversations that end with him accusing me of eating paint chips. I have my own share of problems.

  7. You guys are really funny. I think you should once a week report on these conversations you and J have.

    • I told him this and he said he’s copyrighted and I’m no longer allowed to use his material. I’m going to ignore that, of course, and I will give you some more.

  8. Neal just started his classes for his master’s in management. He has 3 chapters to read tonight. I just interrupted his intense reading to read this post to him…which was AFTER I got control over myself because I let 2 snorts and a little bit of pee escape. I had to read this to him because these conversations sound SO familiar. And I’m going to have to start doing the same thing with my conversations with Neal as you do with Random Musings Friday. They happen so quickly and there are SO many of them, I’m going to HAVE to start writing them down.

    Anyway, I have the same fears. Mostly about how I’m going to explain liquid lunches and why “50% off” is ALWAYS a valid excuse to buy, buy, buy! And why sometimes I only show one finger to people instead of all 10. But I do hear that words eventually evolve into things that don’t rhyme with tuck and that’s pretty much when your sex life goes into the crapper too. So, enjoy that while you have it. Because when your child starts dressing like a pirate for Halloween, you will completely stop dressing as a pirate in the bedroom. (even if you are just looking for booty).

    • Oh my God…that pirate thing was so funny! I hope Neal enjoyed this post enough that he didn’t mind having his studies interrupted.

  9. that. was. heeelarious. my christian elementary school education would have been far more entertaining if taught to us by j.

    that being said- i totally hear you. manfriend has trained the dog that i am “that bitch” (for example- “where is that bitch” and the dog comes to me.) her says he is going to teach our kids the same thing. then he wonders why i say “i hate you” more than “i love you”. :)


  1. […] email made me laugh all day.  (If you don’t know what J has to do with Judas, read this and […]

Speak Your Mind