I’ve said before that I started this blog as a way to get my life back under control because I was a disorganized mess and I was “stuck in the mud” according to J. I said I used to have my shit together and I didn’t know how my life had gotten so out of control. Well…that’s not the entire truth. I do know.
The entire truth is that I was fucking miserable. I apologize for the language, but there really is no other way to say it. Everything had gotten out of control because I’d let it…because I just didn’t care. I didn’t care that my to-do list was ever-growing and that nothing was ever getting done. I didn’t care that the house was always a mess. I didn’t care that I was gaining weight from trying to eat away my feelings of unhappiness. I just didn’t care about anything.
The problem was I always imagined a different life for myself…one in which I was not 34 and unmarried and childless. I love J, but we have not had an easy road. There always seemed to be something…or someone…standing in the way of things being great. We’ve really run the gamut from richer to poorer, from sickness to health, from better to worse…and we aren’t even married yet. I don’t want to bore you all with too many details, but this time last year we seemed to be moving backwards instead of forwards. We went to therapy for a while, but it didn’t really help and actually, might have even hurt. And then Christmas day happened.
Again, the details are too much to get into, but basically we started talking about getting married and we ended up screaming at each other at the top of our lungs about how much the other person sucked and how every bad thing that has ever happened in the entire universe was the other person’s fault. Oh…and we were in the car at the time…on our way to Christmas dinner at J’s mom’s house. It was a mess of tears and yelling and nastiness and Christmas was basically ruined.
That was a big wakeup call for me. Christmas is my favorite holiday and we ruined it by having a stupid fight. Had things really gotten so bad? Yes, yes they had. That was when it hit me that I had become so focused on getting J to marry me that I’d become a totally different person. I was needy and clingy. I had stopped making decisions based on what I wanted and instead focused only on what I thought would make him happy. In the process I had let everything in my life go…including my friendships.
After the Christmas fight I realized that things needed to change. I didn’t take all the blame for the mess we were in…J contributed his fair share…but I did finally accept the blame for the things I’d done. I also realized that I’d been pinning all my happiness on him and a future that was now highly questionable. It wasn’t fair to him to put him under that kind of pressure and it wasn’t smart of me to put something like that into someone else’s hands. That’s when I started to make changes in my life and to embark on my own little “happiness project”.
I’m happy to report that I’ve made some good progress. I tackled all the things that I’d let go and had been putting off. I started taking care of myself again by eating better and paying more attention to how I look. I’ve reconnected with my friends and made amends for the crappy way I’ve been treating them…at least I’ve started to. I’ve started making plans and decisions base on what I want and how I feel. My house is much cleaner and neater. They are all good steps in the right direction and I’m beginning to regain a feeling of control. I have more work to do, but so far, so good.
Things with J are also improving. The changes I’m making are rubbing off on him and he’s changing his behavior as well. Again, there is a lot more work to do and I’m still not sure if we are going to make it through. But we love each other and we are trying and that’s the best we can do. I also know that no matter what happens, I’m going to be just fine.
I’ve been wanting to write about this stuff from the beginning but I really didn’t even know where to begin. I was also still in denial about the severity of things for a while. But denial is over and repairs have begun and I wanted to be honest with all of you, who have given me such great advice and encouragement so far. Thank you all and I hope you’ll stick with me for whatever is yet to come…